Modus Operandi: 10 Health Hazards Faced By Corporate Lawyers

The monsoon is here and in addition to water borne diseases, the corporate lawyer species is seeing a new wave of deadly illnesses threatening their habitat. Shaken by these recent discoveries, I’ve tried to put together a small list of these ailments along with a description of the symptoms which might demonstrate infection. I urge you to keep in mind that this article focuses on these health issues and not the practice of law. Further, species other than corporate lawyers have also occasionally been known to suffer from these maladies..Please consult with your health care provider for any medical advice..10. The DSLR Disorder.This disorder is characterized by an irrational desire to purchase a prohibitively expensive and unwieldy camera with a hideous, boxy bag which contains more expensive, often unnecessary camera accessories. Patients feel compelled to obtain lenses with the power to capture in detail every crevice on the surface of the moon, but then insist on using the camera on auto mode to take close ups of their dinner, lawyer friends, their annual vacation (See the Vacation Virus below) and the occasional wedding..The disorder culminates with the camera owner declaring themselves talented photographers, updating 3 to 5 mediocre photo albums on to social networking sites and eventualy abandoning the whole enterprise. The underutilized DSLR is then relegated to collect dust along with the squash racket, treadmill and other miscellaneous electronic gadgets the patient would have purchased earlier..9. The Sartorial Stroke.This is a paralysis of the part of the brain which governs ability to dress appropriately. The stroke manifests as a minor seizure which reduces the ability of the long suffering corporate lawyer to wear casual clothes. The onset of the stroke can be identified by a preponderance of blue and black in the wardrobe and a tendency to show up at social events looking like you just got out of bed..8. The Cliché Contagion.Constant contact with others carrying the CC virus and continued interaction in legal jargon can result in reducing a corporate lawyer’s ability to speak or write like an ordinary human being. Patients have been known to use latin phrases and legal abbreviations in day to day life, making them incomprehensible to anyone who isn’t in the profession. In extreme cases patients have been found to try to apply legal principles and quote case law at parties..In young lawyers the contagion is characterized by a virulent need to intimidate older patients – high risk behavior like insisting on using big words to sound smarter and being a wanker have been identified as causes..A variation of the contagion makes the patient so familiar with reading on their laptop in the format prescribed by their office that it becomes impossible for them read to text in any other format..7. The Vacation Virus.Long hours spent doing repetitive work in grey cubicles has been found to result in feelings of depression, lethargy and ennui. To counter these effects corporate lawyers schedule annual migrations to alternate habitats. These migrations are a great way of witnessing the individuation of different members of the species. Trekking and general scrambling around Leh and Ladakh are popular with the male of the species. Debilitated by laziness and the habit of staying in one place for 8 hour stretches, the older members tend to head towards the beaches of South East Asia to party it up and recover at overpriced spas. Culture vultures attack London, Paris and Turkey while the Peter Pan sect can be found taking drunken, blurry photographs of themselves in Barcelona and New York City..These holidays are followed by albums consisting of hundreds of similar looking photos and endless facebook extrapolations on foreign culture..6. (Conspicuous) Consumption.Many corporate lawyers have been discovered to be carrying an aggressive bacterial infection resulting in a complete misunderstanding of the terms “deserve,” “need,” “luxury,” and “excess” thus forcing the patient to consume exponentially more than required. The bacteria is known to demonstrate itself in varied forms, making it difficult to diagnose, including gluttony, a perpetual desire not to be sober, the DSLR Disorder and the Vacation Virus..Research shows 98% of the infected will end up checking in on social networking sites with minute details of their consumption. The infected are often found in shopping malls on weekends mindlessly purchasing items they will never use, buying books they will never read, stuffing their faces with artery clogging grease and/or pouring liquor down their gullet..5. The Indispensability Infection.Almost every corporate lawyer has at some point or the labored (literally) under the delusion that the team/transaction/firm/partner will not be able to function in their absence. Symptoms include an inflated sense of self, lack of perspective and being a pompous ass to hide low self worth. The infection culminates in the patient being shunned socially by all except the similarly infected..4. The Complexity Convulsion.Scientists are perplexed by new research which indicates interaction with the same people and performance of mundane activities has resulted in corporate lawyers developing a unique defence mechanism against tedium. Tentatively named the “Complexity Convulsion” initial reports for the disease suggest that the lawyer mind instead of slipping into a coma due to paucity of stimulii appears to generate a series of convulsions to survive..The convulsions appear as poor life choices, refusing to grow up and being completely unreliable. All behavior resulting from these convulsions is then justified at length by patients who feel they are unique and too intelligent to be understood by ordinary people. Symptoms include being plagued by problems that don’t exist, making mountains out of mole hills and contempt for the well adjusted..3. The Smart Phone Sickness.In addition to the new immune functions being demonstrated in the younger of the corporate lawyer species, many are also developing a growth stemming out of the metacarpals and proximal phalanges of their dominant hand. The growth can be identified by its metallic appearance, presence of a keypad or touchscreen and its perpetual beeping, pinging or ringing. The growth results in the afflicted becoming increasingly self conscious and spending all their time fiddling endlessly with the keypad at the cost of interpersonal relationships, work and real life experiences. Over time symptoms are aggravated to the point where the afflicted start to measure their self worth entirely by the periodicity of noises emitted..2. The Plan B Pathosis.Researchers have identified that the longer a corporate lawyer stays with a law firm, the more like he or she is to end up with delusions relating to alternate career options. Those afflicted can expect hallucinations about inflated levels of job satisfaction in other jobs and an overwhelming urge to throw away their Blackberry and formal shoes. Symptoms are known to be exacerbated in the presence of non lawyers and alcohol..Patients report feeling euphoric at the thought of flexible work hours and heightened confidence that they can be the next Warren Buffet/Mother Teresa once they collect their bonus cheques and put in their papers..And lastly,.1. The Athletics Affliction.Manifesting very differently in the male and female of the species, the Athletics Affliction is one of the main causes of corporate lawyers ending up admitted in hospitals these days. Female corporate lawyers demonstrate a greater resistance to the pathogen and symptoms are restricted to sporadic purchases of sports shoes followed up with intermittent walks or the procurement of yoga/pilates/gym memberships which lapse unused..The male of the species are far more susceptible to this pathogen as research shows that the presence of testosterone results in greater chances of malignancy. Victims delude themselves to believe that years sitting behind a desk have not detracted from the athletic prowess they demonstrated in college. Sufferers are commonly referred to as “weekend warriors” and can often be spotted looking vaguely hung over at tournaments, gyms and play grounds while squeezing into their athletic gear. The affliction culminates most often in slipped discs, torn ligaments and broken bones..Yashasvini Kumar graduated from NALSAR University of Law, Hyderabad and is currently working at a law firm in Delhi. In her spare time she is often cooking or writing about food at “For the Reluctant Chef“. You can read her previous column here.