Modus Operandi: 10 Gifts Lawyers Will Love

It’s Valentine’s Day and we’re all eyeball deep in ads for stuffed toys, diamonds and discounted make up.

Bakers have taken to spray painting everything that comes out of the kitchen red, garish polyurethane hearts are waiting to accost you around each corner and morons are spending INR 240 for a single rose when their beloved could have a whole bouquet for that much the next day.

The problem is that you can’t make grand gestures of love compulsory. When you try, you end up left with a lot of mundane pink fluff and that is not the same thing at all.

If you’re going to be forking over cash this year, I urge you to abandon the candy hearts, perfume box sets and overpriced restaurants. To help you choose things that will really be appreciated (and avoid gifts that are going to gather dust), I’ve come up with this list of 10 gifts the lawyer you love will love:

1. For technology buffs –

What not to do: Buy a phone or i-tablet/cell/toaster.

What to do: A GPS tracking device and install it in your paramour’s immediate bosses’ and parents’ phone.

Why?

If they can look into their phone and figure out where these 2 sets of people are, they’ll be finally be able to schedule lunches, take calls and maybe even skip out for the odd cup of coffee without their blood pressure spiralling. This isn’t even really a gift for them, it’s really a gift for you!

2. For poets –

What not to do: Grab an anthology of poetry or worse, try to write them poetry.

What to do: Put all that effort into coming up with a really good excuse for them to bunk work.

Why?

It’s a new age, and the standard “I have a fever,” “My aunt is unwell” stuff doesn’t have the kind of traction it used to. Some really vacation starved peers have taken to knocking off fictional (and in some really desperate cases, existing) relatives just for a day or two of respite. This is unseemly and frankly at some point you’re going to forget how many relatives you have “lost.”This Valentine’s Day, give your sweetheart the greatest gift of all. The gift of a day off.

3. For photographers–

What not to do: Make a collage of photos of the two of you.

What to do: Some digging and get some dirt on their colleagues.

Why?

The truth is there is no hierarchy left in the legal profession, especially not in established office environments. The new kids have all figured out that their seniors can run off to string beads together in a disreputable corner of Goa at any point. As a result, it’s becoming harder and harder to delegate work –juniors keep looking at you wondering when you’ll crack so they can swipe your seat and phone. It’s reached a point where I suspect the only way to get stuff done is blackmail, so pull out that DSLR and finally put that lens to use.

4. For writers –

What not to do: Bother with a handwritten/ typewriter typed love letter.

What to do: Put together a collection of drafts on frequently addressed topics.

Why?

Building up a collection of useful, quality precedents and process notes is a slow, painstaking process that can take years, even decades. Nothing will make your lawyer lover happier than a hard disk filled with board resolutions, opinions, case notes and process checklists, neatly organized by folder with clear file names. Sounds dreary I know, but trust me. Love letters are a dime a dozen and resigned to being thrown into a drawer where a parent can’t stumble upon them. Precedents – that’s where it’s really at.

5. For athletes –

What not to do: Apply for a joint gym / fitness class membership.

What to do: Hire someone who will bodily drag your lazy lawyer lover’s butt out of bed every morning.

Why?

Gym memberships are a lawyers’ idea of charity – most of us apply to at least one, pay the deposit and consequent fees and never go again thus financing infrastructure for the rest of humanity. So don’t be overambitious and think you’ll have us on a cross trainer from day one. Let’s start with baby steps. Since pretty much everyone I know but excluding everyone I’ve ever reported to, has proven to be physically incapable of waking up at a decent hour, accomplishing basics like breakfast and making it to work on time – start with hiring someone with appropriate physical strength who will go to your significant other’s home, shake them awake in the morning and stand there menacingly till it’s clear they’re not going to volte face back under the blankets.

6. For fashionistas –

What not to do: Get some gruesome, red nonsense that’s going to rot at the bottom of a drawer.

What to do: Come up with good ideas for formal clothes that look good and let you breathe.

Why?

We spend most of our time in formal clothes and finding something (and I mean anything) is a nightmare. I buy every fashion magazine that mentions work wear on its cover only to discover that their idea of formal is dhoti pants with a tube top and a structured jacket. Oh and that jacket is designer and priced at a little more than the collective GDP of a couple of small countries. Most lawyers would sacrifice a limb for something that is both appropriate and comfortable in a rigorously conservative work environment. And if you can come up with suggestions that actually address the holy grail of “day to night” wear, we’ll put a ring on it right now.

7. For gourmands –

What not to do: Buy candy, chocolate or other confectionary.

What to do: Make a list of healthy eating options in the city (including places that will deliver).

Why?

For a profession that mostly involves sitting around for long periods of time in front of a screen trying to avoid carpel tunnel syndrome, a box of chocolates really doesn’t mean “I love you” as much as “I want your arteries clogged ASAP.” Eating healthy is hard enough without temptation being dressed up in pretty bows. If you really care, put together a care package of healthy munchies they can take to work so they don’t end up ordering the hot fudge sundae with extra nuts and extra fudge.

8. For the house proud –

What not to do:Order another set of cutesy coasters his/her alcoholic friends will ignore while Jackson Pollock-ing their drink (and other bodily fluids) all over the furniture.

What to do: Consider offering to organizing the mess s/he has already got.

Why?

More stuff is more stuff we don’t need and won’t dust. If you really want to be helpful run through all the garbage we’ve managed to collect over the years and prune out our ashtray collection from college. If you really love us, you’ll also pay the electricity and gas bills that have been piling up and gathering dust next to the beer bottles from the last party.

9. For Bankers and Financiers –      

What not to do: Pick up another wallet or handbag we have nothing to fill with.

What to do:Find a financial advisor who’ll make sure we don’t end up destitute on retirement.

Why?

When you spend your days working with crores of other people’s money it’s pretty hard to come home to your pay cheque and make sensible use of it. Lawyers are famously poor with managing their personal finances, possibly one of the less glamorous reasons why we refuse to retire. We might have figured out the sub-prime crises but most of us are still struggling with the credit card crisis of last month. Do us a favor and find us a financial advisor that can cope with our laziness, flakiness and drunkenness.

10. For the corny –

What not to do: Raid toy stores for stuffed animals.

What to do: Get anything else. Seriously, anything.

Why?

If you’re with someone who actually likes stuffed toys get out of that scene. What kind of adult is fascinated by squishy animals covered in plastic fur?

Yashasvini Kumar graduated from NALSAR University of Law, Hyderabad and is currently working at a law firm in Delhi. In her spare time she is often cooking or writing about food at “For the Reluctant Chef“.