If you are a workaholic please do not read further
Professional success for a severe personal blow? DeFacto asks some hard hitting questions on the work life balance. Are the long hours at the office really worth it in the end?
David Brooks’ Op-Ed in the New York Times titled, “The Sandra Bullock Trade” became the most e-mailed article within twenty-four hours of its publication. Brooks’ Op-Ed is probably most applicable to those in the legal and the banking industry, especially in a market like India where lawyers and bankers are cranking through the night to get the never-ending business deals done for their clients. Brooks’ Op-Ed starts with the following para, “Two things happened to Sandra Bullock this month. First, she won an Academy Award for the best actress. Then came the news reports claiming that her husband is an adulterous jerk. So the philosophic question of the day is: Would you take that as a deal? Would you exchange a tremendous professional triumph for a severe personal blow?” Brooks further writes, “Marital happiness is far more important than anything else in determining personal well-being. If you have a successful marriage, it doesn’t matter how many professional setbacks you endure, you will be reasonably happy. If you have an unsuccessful marriage, it doesn’t matter how many career triumphs you record, you will remain significantly unfulfilled.”
I could not think of a better audience than the lawyers for this topic. While you are on your way to become that next quoted lawyer in the Chambers Global for 2015, your family life may be slowly going south. Nowadays we spend most of our time with our office colleagues and clients, more than our wife and children. Our work has become our life, and our blackberries determine our next course of action. It is such a cool thing in the corporate world to say that you worked all weekend. Really? Is that why we joined this profession? Professional triumph is definitely important – it can buy you and your family the comfort that personal accomplishments cannot afford, but professional triumph may not be worth it at the cost of our family. It is easy to be a part of the corporate culture and follow the lead of the growing market and continue to burn the mid-night oil, but there will come a time when you will wish that you had done things differently than spending sixteen hours a day sitting in front of that computer.
It is a well-known fact that divorce rates are one of the highest amongst lawyers around the globe, and this fact does not surprise most of us. We just accept it and move ahead calling them ‘facts of life’. Divorce rates amongst lawyers have affected many families in the U.S., and more importantly the children. A lot of children from broken homes unfortunately have many psychological problems and there are enough research studies to back that. It is a common illusion that you can provide the best for your children and family by making more money. You can send them to the best schools, afford a tutor for private coaching, provide the best accessories and tools for them to get to their desired goal, best environment with a nice air-conditioned house, car, etc. Yes, these are desirable and definitely helpful, but are they going to make your children the happiest people in the world? Ask yourself this question; would you want to see your children as professionally successful, but personally miserable or simply unhappy? This is the Sandra Bullock Trade that Brooks talks about. I think the answer to this for most of us is pretty simple – No!
The question then becomes - what do we do to get away from this crazy work life? And, I think it is all up to each one of us. We advice our clients on how to effectively communicate their part of the deal on 24/7 basis, but never bring that practice into our lives. If you have not, it is time to communicate your preferences and priorities to your superiors, colleagues and clients. It is a slow process – you don’t have to write a broadcast e-mail to everyone about the life you want to lead, but you can start somewhere with the people you closely work with. It is about letting others know what is important to you. I am sure you know those people in your office who communicate their preferences and manage to get away from work earlier than you – we can assume that they are doing well for themselves. Most likely, they are happier on their personal front and making almost the same amount of money as others - if we consider money earned being one of the indicators of professional triumph. Our boss and colleagues may not appreciate all of our personal values the next day, but with time they will understand and respect us for the same.
If you tried communicating your values and preferences, and your colleagues and superiors over time have not understood or respected them, may be it is time for you to move to another work place –there are plenty of people in the legal world who value their family and will understand you. I am sure you have questioned yourself plenty of times on how you should deal with this issue. It is all in communicating to those whom you work with. I think another way to communicate is to make your family meet your superiors and your colleagues – I know this may sound crazy but it may work. Knowing your family may help your cause – it creates some kind of guilt in that bossy superior to let you go and spend sometime with people who you value the most. Be tactful and find ways to communicate to the people you work with, and I believe you will move far ahead in the years to come.
If you have not taken that step and have been dying to, now is the time. I leave you with a famous quote that we all have used at some point in our lives, “where there is a will, there is a way,” and it is time to bring that quote to practice. If you really want to find that way, you will find it slowly, but surely.
APPRENTICE LAWYER
Tuesday, May 21, 2013 - 12:35pm
Comments (1)
Monday, May 20, 2013 - 6:29pm
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Tuesday, May 14, 2013 - 10:05am
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Comments
Jasmin
April 1, 2010 - 12:22amI love your columns. Please keep writing.
Asutosh Lohia
April 7, 2010 - 11:52pmDear De Facto,I must at first commend you for doing what few people do....thinking. Even if it may have been in a direction most of us may have disagreed to (which in act is indeed heartening). i suppose its alright to relate most of the symptoms of diseases and maladies we come across, to apply to our condition, which eventually makes a hypochondriac of us. but the good thing is that you thought of something and which in turn prompted you to think of writing this up. and i would surely fail myself and others if i didn't congratulate you on your spirit and the way you handle criticism, in your stride.i follow that ur intent was a good one and the example though well meant was meant to be contextual.I'm sorry but the context here was way off the mark.... and even if you narrow the scope of your article/write up to corporate lawyers, i believe they are the ones with a really happ married life. a) they are able to earn more and offer better security to their wives and families. b) their job allows a certain amount of flexibility that litigational lawyers don't get too often.c) they are requiredto travel frequenntly and after having won the trust of their firms/companies, they are at most times able to get their spouses to accompany them.d) they have better work environs and less negativity and uncertainty to deal with....i could probably go on and on...your insistence on the so called Sandra bullock trade however is somewhat unathomable.... please understand, there are always two pearties to any divorce, or to marriage for that matter and wherever you witness some issues between a couple, i t isnt possible that you squarely place the blame on any one party. Moreover, in marriages of this sort, more often than not, the spouses/wives are well aware that the person they are marrying is a legal professional and is on his path to success, is required to work hard and make a name for himself/herself.A lawyer and a doctor are not much different. a doctor makes a mistake, his client ends up six feet below the ground.... a lawyer makes a mistake, his client ends up six feet above the ground.....the legal profession is precisely what it is called.... a profession. not a business. not an avocation, not an employment. not a profitable pursuit (contrary to the fact that law is one of the highest paid and one of the most powerful professions in most countries, including india. and to top it all, a doctor's work would not involve any factors for uncertainty related to any other human factor..... to sum up, every generalization is bad....including this on.take care
Deep Mukherjee
April 8, 2010 - 10:37amThe message delivered through this article is of utmost importance, specially in the context of the time we are passing through(we are still recovering from one of the worst ever global economic meltdown) which means increased pressure. The comparatively new trend of prioritizing materialistic lifestyle at the cost of family disintegration which has taken toll in the recent history of mankind is really sad to note. In India, this menace has already inspired many directors to make movies addressing this issue.Further, it is unfortunate to note that a rapidly developing country like India has a better chance of succumbing to this bugging problem than any developed,developing or underdeveloped country for the obvious reason of cut-throat competition prevalent in a rapidly developing country. This is the unfortunate condition of most people having a demanding profession irrespective of whether he is a lawyer,doctor,engineer, etc. It is high time that we recognize this problem and start amending things or else we would end up suffering;Sometimes we will go to court for a divorce or,most of the times we would suffer in silence throughout our lives.I believe that "defacto" mentioned the legal profession because he was writing for the "Bar and Bench. Your thoughts please.......
ravi
April 10, 2010 - 6:03pmyou guys have a lot time...i must say...so dont worry bout your marriages. its a nice piece...worth a read.
Hetvi
April 17, 2010 - 1:34amI disagree to the extent that the high divorce rate is only in Legal Profession. Talking about the rat race in the corporate world, things are no better. 12-14 hours high paying jobs are a common thing. With girls becoming independent and the boys still not transitioning from the traditional to current situation, marriages are on the rocks. The problem is also the material aspirations and.A balanced life is the key, but few of us know how to strike that balance. It is true, emptiness and void in personal life touches all the aspects of professional life. Compromising on personal life is not a good idea for the overall wellbeing and satisfaction. Easier said than done though, the balancing part....
T.M.Raman Karth...
April 17, 2010 - 4:21pmPlease explain, why do you want a marriage to continue irrespective of the wish of the parties to it. Myself and my wife are lawyers and we have a normal family life so far. I dont think that an advocate/ advocate couple has more problems in their family life on account of their professional hazards,but there is enough and more space for mutual understanding. If your family life is irrecoverably broken or lost, then go for a peaceful separation instead of continuing with the agonies of a collapsed marriage
Janesh
April 17, 2010 - 8:35pmI see a lot of people wasting their mind and missing the point. Family is important - don't let your job be your life.
Rajiv
April 18, 2010 - 3:07pm@Deep,I couldn't have agreed more with u. WELL SAID.
Shruti
January 25, 2011 - 12:28pmI agree with Janesh. Lets not be critics just for the heck of it. The author has a point which is pretty clear and valid.
Avi
April 1, 2010 - 1:54amThis is so well written and indeed bang on to the point. Infact 2 years ago I was attendin weddings of many legal pals and now i either hear of them having kids or ending up in divorce. I guess such is life and everyone needs to take a call for themselves
Khagesh Gautam
April 1, 2010 - 11:20amWell written. A senior colleague of mine here at the Punjab and Haryana High Court (I can name him if he likes) specializing in Service Matters once shared with me exactly similar stories. He shared with me his own personal experiences - things that his only daughter said him many a times. He told me about another lawyer pal of his who just dropped dead one day. In morning he was, in afternoon he went to consult his doctor and next morning news came in that he was dead! His heart just stopped working. It was scary.And then he framed the most important question that I think every lawyer must face - should I accept more briefs or should I give my family more attention? If I don't accept more briefs I won't be able to make a senior and my competition would get ahead and if I do my personal life would be ruined. Now what is the answer to that. I guess it is a personal choice.
Asutosh Lohia
April 2, 2010 - 7:46pmYou know what....??? Your article touches a basic cord of the people in such a clever manner that its nearly difficult to trace the assumptions that are replete in the entire text.But before venture to comment on the article let me clarify something.... I'm not a workaholic and i have fairly satisfactory practice and a decent family life....That said and done, let me embark on what i disagree with in the article.First, i feel that the author is wrong in assuming that Sandra Bullock's husband had a roving eye because she was too busy in her professional pursuits and/or she was not able to devote enough time to her family (read husband).Secondly, you cannot attach a high rate of divorce to any particular profession, trade or avocation. If that be so, then i think those fishermen or the factory workers can never be happy people. It really depends on a person's interpersonal relations, skills, goals in life, attitude and most of all the spouse's expectations from their counterpart.Thirdly, there is an assumption that if You've had a failed marriage once and you are a lawyer, then your profession is to blame for it and that you van never have a happy marriage again. I mean c'mon guys... Just look around you. You'll find find scores of divorces and separations happening around you and not even half of them have to be lawyers, or any other professional for that matter. This is more of a sociological and evolutionary problem than a professional one. Women have traditionally been an oppressed lot, physically, mentally, financially and sexually. In the new world order and the changing demographic and sociological setups, they've started finding a new voice to their feelings and have started expressing and asserting themselves. Men are yet to catch up to this change and wherever they are not able to cope.... Crap happens. But hey, this is just one of the reasons I can think of. I'm sure there are several others and professional choices and work related pressures and stress maybe simply one of them not the chief and primary reason.Now for my favorite part.No matter what we may say about our professional choices and family time and success at workplace, at the end of the day how can we say that it's a choice to be made by one spouse alone. If my wife feels that i ought to work hard and earn fame and money and that we can have some relaxed family time, a little later when the kids have grown up a bit and we have adequate provisions for them, I feel that it's better to agree with her. After all, she is my better half and i can't afford to annoy her into a divorce.....
Khagesh Gautam
April 3, 2010 - 7:55amI would agree with Asutosh. The point he makes is a general one. Any person who is spending more time at work and not spending enough time with family - the personal relationships are going to disintegrate. You want an extreme example - take Gandhi, take Nehru as well. Both these were great men. Both were lawyers too! But both had totally committed themselves to the cause of national independence. In his book 'Mother India - The Political Biography of Indira Gandhi' Pragyan Gupte has written about the differences that Jawaharlal Nehru had with Kamla Nehru. One of the most important reasons, besides all other conspiracy theories, was that Nehru was just too busy with his work with the INC and the freedom movement consequent of which he had to be in prison a lot of times. A 2007 movie 'Gandhi, My Father' also documented the strained relationship between Gandhi and his son.I guess one has to find a balance. Anyone who is more committed to his work will inevitably end up screwing his personal relationships - girlfriend, marriage, kids, friends, even parents and other relatives.Family comes first. That's what Mario Puzo said in The Godfather. Most of these novels and other books on organized crime again and again document that these crime families stay together and protect each other. I know this is a terrible analogy but that's the best one I could come up with right now. They stick together and stay together whatever might be the pressures of business.All high pressure professionals- Lawyers, Doctors, Bankers, Army Officers - where the demand of profession requires the professionals to spend more time and work and less time at home - relationships do becomes strained. I have documented on my blog (www.khagesh-gauta.blogspot.com, May 2009) the increasing levels of depression and other psychiatric illnesses in the Armed Forces. Now the new army Chief has made a public statement that his first priority is to safeguard the 'internal health'. I feel some vindication!The point made by Asutosh is valid. The problem in not just in Legal Profession it is there all around us. And I believe it will stay that way unless people realize that chasing money doesn't really help. First you spend all your health making money and then you spend all you money getting that health back.
Ashutosh Kane
April 5, 2010 - 5:45pmVery nice article. Thought provoking stuff.
Antra
April 7, 2010 - 7:45amI liked the article at first glance but the analogy drawn to Sandra Bullock's personal setbacks couldn't be more misleading.There really is no correlation and so far there has not been any correlation established between winning Academy Awards and your marital life.The point stands for lawyers but for actors? Are you serious? These are usually people who work according to their own schedules and Sandra Bullcok certainly is not a pushover in that she was earning US$ 20 million for a movie 8 years back.Her example has little to do with her putting in mindnumbing hours but more with the flirtatious nature of her husband who is a serial adulterer. THAT and her failure to see the pitfalls of becoming the other woman and NOT her supposed work ethic are behind her personal misery. Dear barandbench, please stick to the law, because glamorisation of movie stars should not be your forte.
Bob the Builder
April 7, 2010 - 6:34pmA good part of my practise is in Family Law and in the past 5 years I have seen not more than 12 lawyers getting divorced.Either lawyers in Bangalore are not hard working or De Facto's algorithm does not apply to us.My friends' fathers and mine all worked long hours, not one amongst them was a lawyer. Yet they've all had reasonably happy marriages.Can it be that the success of a marriage depends on a lot more factors than the number of hours you spend at work? Something a dilettante like De Facto could never capture on your website.
DeFacto
April 7, 2010 - 9:44pmThanks for all your insightful comments. Here are my thoughts to your comments. The reason I quoted Sandra Bullock article by Brooks was to provide a context of what led me to think about this topic. The real message or the question Brooks' article and my column is trying to address is "would you take the deal of professional triumph over personal happiness"? My intent of quoting the Sandra bullock's life facts was merely to provide the context and not to argue what applies to an actor is applicable to the lawyers community. Also, I am not sure how quoting a factual incident of a movie star's life equals to glamorization of movie stars on barandbench. I agree that success of marriage depends on a lot of factors, but I believe one cannot deny that the amount of time spent with your spouse is probably one of the biggest drivers of successful marriage. Please do not make the mistake of equating success of marriage with just being married to someone forever. Many people stay married for various reasons, but does not mean that their marriage is successful. Also, not all lawyers work 24/7 and they are not the ones who need to worry about divorce. I am really happy for those who are spending quality time with their family and friends and are successful in law practice at the same time. It is not possible that my column is applicable to all the lawyers in India - of course depending on the field of your practice, city, your personal preferences, etc. your life is different. However, this column does apply to a large extent to most of the corporate lawyers in India working 24/7 for their clients - it is very common these days. Please let me know if any of you are from the vibrant corporate world and disagree with my thoughts in this column. I do understand that our profession demands a lot of time from each one of us, but in my view it does not have to be 24/7 - like we put our clients before our family. The story with doctors and army is slightly different - doctors save lives and each second counts, army personnel have a very different kind of job - they don't have much choice on how they lead their lives - they have to be present at different locations to secure the country. Not sure if we can extend the doctor or army arguments for lawyers. Also, the doctor argument does not apply to all doctors; a dermatologist may not need to work as much as a cardiac surgeon. I am really happy to see a lot of people saying how my column does not apply to many - that is good news - I would like to see less lawyers unhappy in their marriage - makes this profession more attractive. But, I think the legal profession is slowly catching this disease in India. US lawyers have been a victim of Sandra Bullock Trade for a few decades and corporate India is going to witness similar issues in the years to come. I don't think I need someone to conduct a survey on lawyers divorce rates in the US - I am meeting several suffering from this disease everyday and I hear this story everyday. If you have not been affected by the Sandra Bullock Trade so far, my column can be taken as a mere warning for your future. Thanks again for spending your valuable time to write your comments. I encourage you to be more interactive and exchange ideas.
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